3 Long-Running Jokes I Tell My Dog After Our Morning Walk

I talk to my dog on our walk. Not like a crazy person carrying on a conversation, but I make observations, crack jokes and basically provide him a running commentary of what I find amusing during our daily trot around the neighborhood. Over the years I’ve honed my routine into three catch-phases I find myself repeating to…well…myself as we walk in the door from our walk.  They’re jokes that make me laugh, and, I’d like to believe, somewhere in his doggy brain, make him laugh as well.

Some aren’t even jokes now that I think about it, just stupid Weird Al versions of song hooks adapted to our walk. Others are obscure comedy references.If you enjoy it, I’ll gladly share my Top 10 one day.

Here are the Top 3 set-ups to my 3 favorite catch-phrases / punchlines / jokes on our walk:

WHEN WE GO FOR OUR WALK AND HE SOMEHOW DOESN’T GO #2

When this happens, as I walk inside and talk off his leash, I say in my best Seinfeld soup Nazi accent: “No Poop For You!!!!” Makes me laugh every time. The dog? Who knows?

WHEN WE GO FOR OUR WALK AND HE POOPS TWICE

On the occasion that I have to use both my primary and back-up doggy bags, which happens a few times a month, I typically walk into the house and sing a parody version of Ice Cube’s “It Was a Good Day”. The lyrics go like this (my dog’s name is Mr. P)

Called up the homies and I’m asking y’all, which park are y’all walkin’ tall… Walk P ’round the hood and he’s trouble, just today messed around and dropped a double double…

Get it? Ok. Good.

WHEN HE SNIFFS AROUND A LAWN FOREVER BUT WON’T PEE

When Mr. P gets too far inside his own head and psyches himself out to the point where he can’t find a place to pee despite sniffing in 75 places, I channel my inner John Kreese and try to pump him up with the following lines that make me smile and thankfully have not been overhead by any neighbors:

Fear does not exist on this lawn, does it? (I imagine Mr. P saying “No Sensei”) Pain, does not exist on this lawn, does it? (No Sensei!) Defeat does not exist on this lawn, does it? (No Sensei!) A lawn confronts you, he is the enemy, an enemy deserves no mercy! Pee first, pee hard, no mercy, sir!

This usually works. I swear. He pees 99% of the time.

Feel free to steal all my jokes with your own dog. It’s cool. I won’t tell.

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